Useless Things
by Hippopotamus Hypothesis
Summary: After being forced into a dress fitting for Raoul and Buri's wedding kel swears revenge, but will more follow?
1. Chapter 1

_**I don't own protector of the small or any of the characters (except for OCs if I put any in); they all belong to Tamora Pierce.**_

Even though her time as a page and squire was long past, Keladry of Mindelan was constantly learning new things. For example, riding with Neal towards his betrothed, lady Yukimi Noh Daiomuru, who he hadn't seen for almost a year was similar to torture. She and her companions had to listen to him recite the poetry he'd written about her. Her eyebrows and the shape of her ears were popular subjects. One particular piece of Neal's poetry made her want to curl up and cry;

"_My precious Yamani dove,_

_You are my one true love,_

_Your ears are like shells,_

_Your eyebrows like bells,_

_Your form is as thin as a glove_."

Kel didn't think eyebrows could be like bells and being compared to a glove didn't seem like a compliment to her, but when she tried pointing this out to Neal, all he did was huff and say that nobody appreciated his artistic genius. She was pretty sure that using the word 'genius' to describe anything Neal did was a bit of a stretch.

One thing that kept Kel going was seeing lord Raoul react to the festivities of his own wedding. She knew that Buri wouldn't let him hide behind the curtains, so she couldn't wait to see the look on his face. One thing that she wasn't looking forward to was being a bridesmaid. While Kel was honored that Buri would ask her, she didn't think wearing a dress on the front line was appropriate and she didn't see the point in wearing facepaint. Another downside was the fact that she would be subject to a whole lot of useless formalities and traditions, and if there was one thing that Kel hated it was useless things. Hopefully with the majority of the wedding party being soldiers and men of the Own, the celebrations wouldn't be as formal as they would be in Corus. Hopefully.

About five miles out she heard the horn calls that meant they'd been spotted. They sent back the signal for friends, and her sparrows flew on ahead so there wouldn't be any doubt of who was arriving.

The gates opened to reveal their welcoming party; Lords Raoul of Goldenlake and Wyldon of Cavall, Lady Buriram Tourakom and Sir Alanna of Pirates Swoop. Raoul, Buri and Alanna were beaming, and even Wyldon seemed to be in better spirits than usual, although it was hard to tell with the Stump.

_Gods, _thought Kel, _I'm getting to be as bad as Neal._

She'd barely stepped down from her horse when she was swamped in one of lord Raoul's famous bear hugs. Laughing she managed to free herself and look up at the man who was like a second father to her. Lord Raoul had dark hair, broad shoulders, and would be intimidating, if it weren't for the friendly twinkle in his eyes. He was a legend across Tortall for singlehandedly slaying a giant.

_He's the closest thing the kingdom has to a giant, _Kel thought wryly, _that's probably how he slayed it so easily._

Turning to inspect the rest of the welcoming party, she noticed that Neal had disappeared, no doubt in search of Yuki, and Daine and Numair had joined the group, as had a number of the men from third company; Dom, Neal's cousin, and Wolset were among them. Daine, Alanna and Buri were all grinning at her mischievously, and suddenly Kel's heart sank. There was only one thing that could cause them to grin at her like that. A dress fitting. Kel had heard that Buri had requested Lalasa Isran, Kel's former maid and one of the best seamstresses in Corus, to make the clothes for the wedding. While Kel was looking forward to seeing her old friend, she knew her fittings could take hours as she wanted everything she made to fit their owners like a glove.

Kel had the sudden urge to run, but before she could even get five metres she was caught by Dom and Wolset. Grinning they picked her up and carried her back over to the rest of the party who were smirking.

"You didn't really think that would work, did you Kel?" Alanna asked, "We all know you too well for that!"

"A girl can always hope." Kel said scowling.

Still smiling Alanna, Daine and Buri turned and started towards a building on the right, which no doubt held the room in which Kel would be tortured for the next few hours. Still carrying her Dom and Wolset followed.

"I'm going to make you two regret this on the practice courts later." Kel told them darkly

"Sorry lady knight, but we're following orders. You wouldn't want us charged with insubordination now, would you?" Dom asked brightly

Kel scowled, but said nothing.

The three women opened a door at the end of the corridor and held it open for them. Wolset and Dom carried her inside and plonked her unceremoniously on a chair.

"Have fun dear Protector" Dom smirked then turned and left the room. Wolset grinned at her then followed.

Oh they were _SO_ going to regret this later.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry I've taken so long to update, but i promise the next chapter will be up sooner, if anyone has any ideas for things they'd like to happen please send me a message. Anyway, ENJOY!**

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Dinner time saw a very grumpy Kel emerging from the dress fitting. While she had enjoyed seeing Lalasa, and by some miracle the dress she made had actually suited her, being pricked by pins and almost drowned in fabrics for five hours was enough to make her irritable. She could have better spent her time finishing her reports and organizing for supplies for New Hope, in fact she would have welcomed the paperwork, but instead she had been turned into a human pincushion.

_"Dom and Wolset will pay"_ she swore _"they will regret ever carrying me into that room"_

Kel was smarter than to try to seek revenge on Buri, Daine or Alanna, they were just too cunning, but Dom and Wolset, following orders or not, were people she could take her anger out on. And she knew the perfect way to do it.

As she was about to enter the mess hall Kel spied Raoul. She grinned to herself as she walked towards him; if lord Raoul agreed to help she would be able to begin her revenge tomorrow.

Raoul chuckled to himself as he listened to his former squire. _"Mithros,"_ he thought, _"she doesn't do anything by halves, I just hope she knows what she's getting herself into_." Nevertheless he agreed to help.

Because of this Kel walked into the mess in a good mood. Everyone who knew the lady knight personally enough to know how much she hated dress fittings became slightly unnerved, no one more so than Dom and Wolset. As Kel sat down she smiled at them cordially.

_"_How are you this fine evening gentlemen?" she asked with a smile that anyone could see meant trouble.

"We are excellent as usual most radiant lady knight," Dom replied with his usual flirty smile that made Kel's heart flutter, but there was an edge to it that showed that he knew she was plotting something, "how was your dress fitting?"

"Why it was most excellent Domitan, thank you for asking."

"You are most welcome dearest Keladry." Dom smiled nervously.

It was at this point that Neal decided to join them. Kel wondered how Yuki had received his pieces of 'poetic genius'.

"Good evening Meathead how is the beautiful Lady Yukimi?" Dom asked

"She is as fresh as the castle pond on a summer day, and as delicate as the wind." Neal replied wistfully.

Kel had spent enough time at the palace to know that the pond was anything but fresh during summer, and, being on the northern border, the wind wasn't exactly delicate. But she decided not to say anything to Neal.

Kel allowed herself an hour to catch up with her friends before she decided to retire. She had a lot to organize if she was going to go through with her plan.

Standing up she said, "as much as I've enjoyed myself, I have to leave you as I have some…. _Things _to attend to." As she said the word things she glanced at Dom and Wolset. "Goodnight."

As she turned to go Neal leaned towards a visibly nervous Dom and Wolset, and grinned. "If I were you I'd start writing my will."

"Oh and Nealan", Kel turned as she reached the door; "eat your vegetables."

Scowling, Neal did just that.


End file.
